It’s not that I haven’t written to you before, but still this time it’s very different. As a matter of fact, it was the first time I realized that sometimes this soulless, speech-less paper, becomes your best friend. These pages sink all the emotions, in the words and sentences, making it all so important for that moment. Even though the same pages become meaningless and funny as the time goes by.
I still can remember, the time. The strange times, of first infatuations; and the times of first love. The times, when even a mere sight was enough to write a few pages describing, how beautiful you are. The times when writing a letter with blood seems painless and may be a mere expression. The dreams I saw, the desires I had, seemed the end of the world and a day without your sight seemed never ending eternity. Seeing you, talking about you and dreaming about you seemed the most important things in the world. The super stupid talks and that fashion disaster red shirt seemed the best I could do to get your attention. The thought deep down that I may not get you any day, as I was no way near how good you are, kills me inside. I have felt that pain, and never learnt to smile in pain. Just could manage to stop my tears in public and may be cry when I am alone. That Love for music and listening to your favorite album again and again and again. And to sing all day to keep expressing the whole world that Yes! I am in Love. The never ending wait, in tuition classes and all those sleepless nights just to wait to wake up early and dress the best way I can to see you at school.
I still can remember those butterflies in the stomach and non fluttering eyes. You love that many a times gave me cold feet and often left me perspiring; made me weak sometimes and many a times made me more courageous than I ever was.
That, yes my dearest you, was the effect of your love on me.
Yes, I do accept many a things become stupid, mindless and may be strange when we grow up. So is the case today. 11 years have passed. Big 11 years. Life has changed, a lot. You may not even recognize me if you meet me. May be, you can even laugh at me, if we meet accidentally at some Café or Station, if I tell you that I am the same guy who liked you at school.
See, today the word ‘Love’ all those feeling, took a backseat and converted itself to safer LIKE. Can’t even stand by it that I loved you; May be I’ll say to you that it was infatuation. Strangely, that, that phase, was the time when I had the purest feeling in my heart.
Today, I have grown into a smarter person my dear. I never had a relation with you, but still feel that the feeling for you, made me learn and realize more than anything I ever managed in school. Now times have changed, a guy who used to run behind this sweet school girl, there are many girls around who love me. You know, what the height of sarcasm is! Girls find it Cute that, when I was in school, I literally died on this girl, and did so many stupid things for her and still could not get her.
Yes, see, all those I know, for them all those emotions are a story, a phase, which now is cute and sweet, stupid and may be super funny. Strange, how come I still respect that part of my life!!!
Don’t have the answer though.
Just want to tell you that, you taught me a lot more than you can imagine. That’s why you will always be special to me. But the feeling for you will always be My Stupid First Love.